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Having Fun
With Mojo
Hey Kids! Mojo here! I've been hanging out with Bill Clinton lately! I gave him my super private phone number! But I asked him not to give it to Hillary! He told me not to worry -- he has a whole book full of numbers she's not allowed to see! Must be lots of governors avoiding her!
Time to look at WV rankings differently
OK, even I sometimes get tired of all the gloom and doom about where West Virginia falls in regard to national rankings. I've been right there with the best of them pointing out the state's poor showing in regard to income, jobs, education, etc., etc. But enough already.
It's time for me to start thinking more like a Democrat, and preach the gospel of the glass half full.
What brings this up today is a story reporting that West Virginians are still fat. Not only are they still fat, they've gotten fatter over the past year. Now the polite word used in the reports is "obese," but hey, fat is fat.
The old me would have pounced on this as yet another example of failed policies by the "Ruling Party" -- a truly rude term which I am hereby renouncing. From now on the "Ruling Party" will be "Our Wise and Caring Hierarchy," or OWCH for short.
I digress. In line with my new attitude, I take offense at the notion that West Virginians are getting fatter. What is really happening is that the state has benefitted so much from the policies of OWCH that its people are enjoying a life of luxury like never before. The cushy lifestyle enjoyed by most West Virginians naturally leads to an expanded waistline, but that's a small price to pay for living like kings.
And what about those endless findings that West Virginia is at or near the bottom in good places to do business? Hogwash. HOGWASH! OWCH is simply wise enough to understand that with only 1.8 million people in the whole state, more jobs would simply be wasted.
When you really think about it, what do more jobs bring? I'll tell you what -- more risk of auto accidents driving to work. More stress. More job-related injuries. And worst of all, outsiders! If we start creating more jobs in West Virginia, somebody's gonna have to come from somewhere to fill those jobs -- and they will come from out of state!
Now everyone knows that unless you own a racetrack, the last thing West Virginia wants or needs are out of staters! West Virginia is exactly where it wants to be job-wise, so just quit ranking it at all, please.
OK, what about average median income? Bottom of the barrell? So what!?! If West Virginians started making more money, you know what would happen? Right! They'd just
want to spend it! They'd shop more and buy more food, more clothing, more cars, more stoves and refrigerators -- and where the heck are we going to find all that extra store space and all those extra employees to handle the load? It would create a complete economic imbalance! West Virginia is exactly where it wants to be, and why can't everyone see that?
I'll tell you one that's really getting under my skin -- Judicial Hellhole. First of all, what is a hell hole? Second of all, insulting West Virginia's justice system is a slam on everyone who has ever voted for a Starcher or an Albright or a McGraw, and that's a lot of people.
Instead of thinking of West Virginia as a judicial hellhole -- whatever that is -- we should be glad we are not captive to robotic judges who have no mind of their own. West Virginia is blessed with creative and imaginative jurists who know when the Constitution is out of touch with the needs of West Virginia's largest constituency -- trial lawyers.
Other states can only dream of having judges who so consistently have the courage and foresight to go beyond the narrow and stodgy precepts of the Constitution. Not only that, they help maintain West Virginia's part-time legislature by making laws themselves when necessary. If not for our court system, West Virginia might need a full time legislature, and look at how much that would cost!
I had no idea that just a slight attitude adjustment could be so liberating. My whole outlook has changed. Let's embrace the rankings that really matter, and West Virginia ranks first in every one of them:
* Best party school (WVU).
* Most freedom from money and all its woes.
* Best state to compete against for new jobs.
* Prettiest stretch of road on the way to almost anywhere else.
* Best state welcome signs, hands down.
* Most comprehensive food tax.
* Most "Robert C. Byrd" signs.
* Most pork per capita -- it's a good thing.
* Fewest foreigners (both domestic and international).
If the governor ever tires of his excellent "Open For Business" welcome signs -- and here's hoping he never does -- I propose a replacement: "West Virginia -- First In Rankings That Matter To Us." It's not quite as catchy, but almost.
Gospel was the first love of the King of Rock
As a teen-ager, Elvis Presley wanted nothing more than to be a member of a gospel quartet. Even as a rock'n'roll superstar, Elvis often spent much of his concerts lined up beside his gospel backup singers, J.D. Sumner & the Stamps, blending his voice with theirs. Today's question: Elvis won three Grammys, all for gospel songs, including two for different versions of the same song -- what was it?
Monday's answer: Top ticket price in 1976-77 for an Elvis concert was $15. Winners were Dale Samples and Tommy Phillips. (His Honor has been on the road lately.)
